


all we had was time

by reginaswanmills



Series: songs of the heart [1]
Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Canon Divergence, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Swan Queen - Freeform, reflections
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-11
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:35:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23266315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reginaswanmills/pseuds/reginaswanmills
Summary: If all they had was time, Emma would be in Regina’s arms. If all they had was more than five minutes to reflect on their trauma and reevaluate their relationships before the next big curse, the queen and the savior would’ve ended up together.
Relationships: Evil Queen | Regina Mills/Emma Swan
Series: songs of the heart [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1672999
Kudos: 7





	all we had was time

**Author's Note:**

> if all we had was time then we’d be alright.

If all they had was time, Emma Swan thinks things would have turned out differently. 

Time was slowed for twenty eight years. The town was full of sleepwalking zombie-like people. They did the same thing, day in and day out, until Emma exerted her savior powers and was hailed a hero. 

Things had picked up, but it didn’t mean they had time. Slow time was spent trying to break the curse, because that’s the only time things weren’t being thrown at them one after another, and cursed periods were no longer peaceful.

They’d jumped from returning home from the Enchanted Forest, with minimal time to set any sort of schedule in place regarding Henry, to saving their son from Neverland. Then they’d lost even more time during Peter Pan’s curse, and barely had time to focus when Zelena came to town. The Wicked Witch’s curse was one thing, and the Ice Queen followed her disappearance. 

Elsa and Anna, and the curse that nearly made them all kill each other. That’s when Emma realized nothing would ever slow down long enough for her to process. She would never have enough time to discuss her issues with Archie — the abandonment with her parents, the foster care, the abuse. 

Looking back on it, Henry was a flexible kid that nobody gave enough credit to. He should’ve flunked Storybrooke’s school system, with all of the days he’d missed. He should’ve been stuck right back into therapy, with all of the traumatic experiences. Near death situations, toward himself and others. Realm jumping. Loss memories. 

How it was that he was now dealing with those things better than her, Emma did not know. He now had Lucy and Ella to focus on, and could put his time into his own family, rather than dwelling on the past. 

Emma had Hope — and she tried to think things would stay the least bit same, without all of the chaos and increased time. She tried to think she’d still have Friday night dinners at Granny’s with Regina and Henry, and maybe they’d now include Lucy and Ella. That they’d keep up with Mills family movie nights, and their playful banter would not be lost. 

It had been lost. They had gotten lost somewhere between bringing back Marian, and finding Lily, and discovering Marian was really Zelena. Somewhere around the time Emma sacrificed herself for the one person she could always count on, and had absorbed darkness, and had watched Regina’s face change and cry out and her body lurch forward. 

She thought they were just getting back to a happy medium in Camelot, when Regina pronounced herself the savior and they’d freed Merlin. Thought that maybe, once this was all over, she could ditch the pirate and live a peaceful life without the darkness. With just Regina and Henry, in the big mayoral house with a bay window in the office. 

But then Killian was sent to the Underworld. He’d did his best to save her from the darkness, and she couldn’t stop the guilt from bubbling up in her chest. Things didn’t go back to normal — because she moved back in with her parents, and Robin Hood moved in with Regina, and that only made her chest ache more. They’d gotten distant whenever Regina was involved with Robin. 

Then Robin died. Died in their attempts at saving Emma’s boyfriend, and Regina was a heartbroken mess. A teary eyed, sobbing mess. One that clung to Emma and Henry, and even Snow, and held every important piece of her life close because she thought they were going to slip away too. 

( Emma still remembers the countless nights she’d spent curled up behind Regina, offering her arms as a safe place to land. Offering warm hugs and comfort, and well placed kisses to her forehead, and soothing whispers. Remembers how she told Regina everything would be okay, and how much she and Henry loved her, and how strong she thought Regina was, and how happy she would eventually be. How she’d promised to deliver her happy ending. 

Somewhere along the way, giving everyone their happy endings hadn’t happened. The savior hadn’t done everything she was meant to do, and she’d come to terms that there would never be enough time for that. ) 

Regardless, Regina wasn’t the same. She still loves fiercely, throwing herself into it with every ounce of her being. But she showed it more — opened up more, reached for entangle their hands, and hug tightly, and remind them she loved them every chance she got. She was vulnerable and had been exposed, and she was more careful regarding outsiders feelings. 

She was softer. Her protection only increased, but her brown eyes grew three times in affection whenever she’d look at any of them. She put the past behind her, but never forgot — and she’d opened up her home her sister and niece. She attended more family dinners, and even hosted a few of her own. 

( Emma wishes she could pretend she didn’t catch Snow holding the sobbing queen in her arms, when she’d walked upstairs to grab her phone and found them on the floor. Her mother hadn’t said a word about it, but the look was clear — do not question it. Regina’s heart had always been fragile, and she finally felt safe enough to reveal it to her closest family. ) 

Emma did whatever she could, despite the burning guilt. She wanted to keep Regina happy for as long as she could, because Regina had been too sad and too alone for most of her life. If that meant spending the night at the mansion a few nights a week, driving the three of them up to college visits for Henry, and tugging them into minute long reminiscing hugs, then so be it. 

Regina had saved her countless of times. They’d saved each other. They’d sacrificed and protected — not just the citizens of Storybrooke, their families and friends, their son; but each other. 

\+ 

She thinks one version of Henry’s books would’ve come true, if they had time. Time to discuss, adjust, and get their ‘cowardly crap’ together — according to Ruby. 

There are hundreds of versions of books out there, all differently recreating their stories. There were an infinite number of Realms, according to Rumple. The Wish Realm had certainly been an eye opener. Whether Henry wrote them all or not, there were multiple versions of Emma herself living life in other realms. 

There was one where Aurora and Mulan married. Ruby and Belle stopped dancing around their feelings. Maleficent was able to raise Lily. Neal was able to stay with his father in the Enchanted Forest. Even one where Emma was raised in the White kingdom as planned — by Snow and David, with Henry as her son, and Queen Regina was their good old friend. 

In another realm, she hopes there’s a version where she does things right. Where she stops deluding herself earlier on into thinking Captain Hook could ever be more than the dirty pirate he is, and stops settling for the sake of everyone else. Where she goes after what she wants and puts herself out there, not afraid to disrupt the very fragile being of hers and Regina’s relationship. 

( They’ve moved past friendship to describe themselves now, because it’s too hard with a shared son. ) 

If that realm exists, though, Emma hopes it’s somewhere far away neither her nor Regina ever have to visit or witness. It would hurt too much. It would shock her right to her bones to see it live, freezing her in place, and she doesn’t think the ache in her chest would ever go away. 

Somehow, she knows it would hurt Regina, too. She knows they are getting too old and too fragile to truly break down crying, and this would send them both into just that. Regina’s heart might even stop altogether, shock freezing her as well. 

So many unspoken words, undone actions, unsaid phrases. Broken promises and carved hearts. 

Their relationship had always been much too fragile to touch, and Emma had always been scared. Scared that Regina would hide from her feelings with anger and rejection. Scared it would disrupt the beautiful thing they already have. 

Sometimes, she wonders why she wishes for more, when they already have something wonderful — something neither of them have ever had with anyone else, and Emma doesn’t think any other pair could relate to. 

+

If all they had was time, it would mean more. 

The touches exchanged. She would lean more into Regina’s touch. She wouldn’t settle for the occasional hand on her arm or back. She would hold Regina longer. Feel the fragile force surround them. She would let Regina’s hand interlacing with hers mean more. Fingers running gently through blonde tresses define something further. 

She knows they are special and unique. 

Perhaps, if they had time, Emma would’ve elaborated on that friend speech. Would’ve asked if they could try something to see where it goes. 

The looks would’ve meant more too. They don’t say anything now, but Killian had never given her those looks. Had never gave her soft, watery eyes; full of sorrows and ‘thank you’s’, and all the care in the world. Full of the special love they’d never spoken of. 

( “She looks at you different, you know.” Emma thinks her mother has always known to some degree. All of the chipper happiness she put forth toward Hook was fake. Her mother has known Regina longer than anyone, and has probably written a full analyzation on the woman they now call the Good Queen. 

She thinks her mother has always been watching, silently waiting for them to break through the protective layer they both put forth to protect themselves. “Huh?” She turns, furrowing her brow. As much as she doesn’t want to discuss her relationship with Regina to anyone, especially her mother, she wants to hear what could be so blatantly obvious to everyone else. 

“Daniel and Robin.” Snow’s eyes track back over to where Regina is fawning over baby Hope. She hadn’t set her down since the moment Emma handed her over, presenting her with kisses and a great big smile. “She looked at them different. He was her first love, and Robin was supposed to be her true love. But you — you’re her soulmate.” 

It’s the only time Emma goes this in depth with someone about it. The only time a silence of strangled words passes over, so she can help her mother make sense of what has already been known to her for quite some time now. They are light and darkness, both equally balanced and touched by. Neither is pure evil or heroic. They have ruled together, lead together, killed together, and raised the boy everyone knew as Henry Mills. 

Her mother has always known to some degree, but the gasp and confusion and tilt of her head prove that she is just grasping the concepts of what can never just be. What can never happen because they’ve run out of time, no matter what Regina says about happy endings being beginnings. ) 

\+ 

Their time is limited but valuable, when Regina steps forth in her stunning dress. Emma can’t tell if it’s blue or purple, or maybe her eyes are starting to grow tired after the long day. Her own dress is pink, picked out by Snow White herself. 

( Regina’s hair is in a bun. A high bun with curls framing her face and a tiara placed atop her head. Emma remembers vaguely saying once how Regina should wear her hair up more often. She remembers by heart the words Regina once uttered, prompting her to wear her hair the way it is today. 

Twirling blonde strands between nimble fingers, Regina murmurs softly — in the depths of laying on her bed, heartbroken and missing Robin. “You should curl your hair down more. It suits you.” ) 

“My Emma.” She smiles that breathless smile. Speaks in that airy, light voice. Her tone is so gentle, and her eyes are so soft, Emma nearly cries. “I knew that dress would be perfect.” 

Emma shrugs and ducks her head. She’s never been good with compliments. 

Regina’s smile never fades, as she lifts a hand to push the curls behind her shoulder. “You look so pretty,” she murmurs, and her eyes take on the glossy mesmerized look they do whenever she’s feeling nostalgic. Whenever she’s remembering how Henry came into her life, or how Emma first appeared in her driveway. “I’m so glad you came.” 

“Of course,” Emma agrees, because they were only late because Killian’s hook got snagged on the diaper bag’s strap. “I would never miss this, Regina.” 

Regina laughs softly. “You wouldn’t, would you?” Her thumb runs across the bare skin, hand still warm against Emma’s shoulder. “Hope is with Snow. She’s beautiful. Looks so much like you.” 

“She has Henry’s nose.” Emma blushes again. They’re both grateful the other doesn’t mention the unsaid — she looks nothing like Killian Jones. 

“That she does.” Another light laugh. Brown eyes slowly travel up her body. Taking in the pink hugging her pale form. “My little princess, is what I called her. That’s okay?” 

Emma nods. Henry has always been Regina’s little prince, and she didn’t need to overhear her tucking him in at night to know that. She had no doubts Hope would become as close to the Queen as she and him are. No doubts Regina would not hesitate to single out her child in the best way possible, protecting her and taking her under her wing. 

“I want to do everything I can to protect her.” All of the looks, the touches. The lost time is picking up again, and Emma can feel the sense of difference wash over her. “I want to do everything I can to protect you. You and Henry believed in me when no one else did. You saw the good.” 

“You are good.” 

It’s automatic, something Emma will never grow tired of saying. Something she’s had to assure Regina of so many times over. 

“Thank you, Emma.” Her hand is gone. Now they’re just staring at each other. Regina is basking in her final moments of peace, before she is ruler of all realms officially and won’t be able to return to Storybrooke for several weeks. “Thank you.” 

“You’re welcome.” A soft smile is all she can offer. 

\+ 

They don’t have time, and questioning the ‘what if’s’, of everything will only cause further heartache. 

So, Emma has to settle for seeing things differently and waiting for the day she does pass. The day when she will hopefully be able to remember all of the things that had happened when her life was in relative peace. Where it wasn’t slow nor fast, but she could relax and soak up the sunlight in her life. 

She has to throw herself into raising Hope. Into reconnecting with her parents. Loving Lucy and Ella. Reminiscing with Henry. Watching Killian sail away on his ship. Watching as younger deputy’s take over the sheriff’s department. As Ruby retires from the diner to have children of her own. As Henry moves faster than her, and lifts Hope onto his shoulders with a gleeful laugh. 

She has to settle for holding Regina’s hand, both broken but happy. For watching their family interact, taking up a whole couch for themselves, whilst everyone else sprawls around the living room, and they watch whatever new movie has just come out. ( God, even the movies aren’t the same. ) 

She has to settle for this because it’s the best she is going to get with whatever time they all have left. 

If they’d had time, they’d have been alright.

**Author's Note:**

> the first of many once upon a time oneshots based on songs and emotional baggage.


End file.
